


Love is hard to process

by CoincidenceConnection



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Clintasha - Freeform, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ENDGAME, F/M, Gen, M/M, They loved each other okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 06:58:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18633112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoincidenceConnection/pseuds/CoincidenceConnection
Summary: !!ENDGAME SPOILERS!!Not much plot, more of here are Clint's feelings.





	Love is hard to process

**Author's Note:**

> ENDGAME SPOILERS AHEAD.  
> As a Clintasha shipper I have too many feelings about this movie. I have never wrote anything Marvel related before, but I mean after this movie I might have to. Anyway, I don’t know what this is or why it turned into a sort of Stucky parallel? But here we are. 
> 
> Natasha deserved better.  
> Clintasha forever.

_After retrieving the Soul Stone..._

“Everything okay?”

Steve flinched at his words even before Rhodey glared back at him.

He wondered if anything would ever be okay again, now that…now that Natasha…

Steve swallowed hard and followed Rhodey’s line of sight.

“What are we going to do with him?” Rhodey asked, watching Clint still standing on the wooden pier stretching onto the lake.

Steve felt a weight gather on his shoulders, if he was hurting, he had no idea how Clint was feeling.

Except he did.

He had been there once before.

He knew the moment they had arrived back. The haunted look in Clint’s eye. It was too familiar.

Like looking at himself losing Bucky all over again.

Steve cleared his throat, trying to close off that train of thought, “What do you mean? We just have to let him grieve. We’ll be here for him. Like Natasha said, we’re family.”

They both ignored how his voice broke on the last word.

Because they hadn’t been a very good one to her, not when she had been nearly left on her own to hold onto hope and organise the horrendously disarrayed Avengers.

“Yeah but the last time Clint lost his family…he went on a five year murder spree. Everyone wishes Natasha was okay but she died so we could finish this. And if Barton’s going to be a liability, we need to keep him contained.”

“They were a team. He’ll finish the mission.” Steve said because that was what Natasha would have done. She wouldn’t have let Clint die in vain and he knew the archer sure as hell wouldn’t let her die in vain either.

“This is worse than losing his family.” Rhodey finally addressed the elephant in the room.

“He’ll keep going. He’ll get his family back.” Tony appeared beside them. Steve got it, if anyone knew how much Clint wanted to protect his family, it was Tony.

“And after that?” Rhodey asked, sceptically. “He doesn’t have Natasha to reign him in anymore.”

Tony shakes his head, “He knew Natasha better than any of us. And we knew she hated seeing him like that. He wouldn’t do that to her memory.”

  

* * *

 

_It was all over..._

Clint watched them interact. He was observant, sue him. He knew about them. Could practically see them unspoken love between them.

It had been a comfort before really, knowing that other people didn’t end up with the people they loved desperately either.

But now the sight of Cap and Bucky just made him want to double over in pain.

Because he’d never get that again. Never get to see her again. Never get to argue or fight or drag a smile from her. They’d never have each other.

Not that they had ever really had each other to begin with. But it had been enough.

Now it wasn’t even close to enough.

Every time he saw that damned arrow necklace around her neck, it pierced his heart again.

Now all he wanted to do was see it again.

He was selfish. He loved her. He was still in love with her despite everything.

He loved Laura. He loved his family.

But Natasha would always be the love of his life.

The one he loved the most.

The only person he could give up in trade for the soul stone.

“Barton.” Steve nodded as he came over to him.

“Hey Cap.” He said, voice rough.

Steve sighed deeply, after Tony’s funeral, the day had been rough.

“Tell me about it.” He tried to joke but his words sounded hollow.

“I…We…Natasha won’t be forgotten.” He said with his usual Captain America seriousness.

“Appreciate that.”

“…And if you ever need to talk or…”

Clint grimaced, “No offence but you’re the last person I want to talk about this with.”

Startled confusion flickered across Steve’s face. “Okay, but….”

“You got Bucky back. I will never get Nat back.” He steadied the man with a murderous look. Not that that was fair, the man didn’t get his Bucky back, he got the Winter Soldier, but Bucky was reforming out of the ashes. They’d be okay.

Natasha had rebuilt her life. Clint liked to think that he had helped her.

But he’d never be okay, ever again.

Steve went to say something but now Clint’s heart was pounding, his anger boiling.

“Nobody gets how much she meant to me. But you should. _You should_.” Clint spat, pointing at Bucky and watched as redness flared under Steve’s cheeks.

“She is…she was…” He shook his head, “She’s my everything.  And she’s _dead._ ”

Steve cleared his throat. “She loved you too. She would want you to move on. To be happy with your family.”

Clint gave something that sounded like a strangled laugh. Of course she would. Natasha loved him too.

“Do you ever want to go back?” Clint asked, switching tack.

“In time?” Steve frowned.

Clint shrugged, “Or just back to when things were better.”

Steve sighed, “All of the time.”

“I’d give anything to go back to Budapest.”

“Budapest?”

“Just to fall in love with her again. Just for a few more minutes.”

He had never spoken the words aloud before. But it was true.

He knew. Laura knew.

He hoped Natasha knew too.

He was in love with her.

He always would be.

 

 


End file.
